I stole my friends baby to show you all how I look when I’m teen mommin’

So we meet again! I’ve actually been dieting and without alcohol for the past two days so you’ll have to pardon my crankiness and soberness. Nothing good usually comes of either, but I’m just gonna wing it. I’m actually extra cranky about the fact that I can only attack 3/4 of this show this week. I do have a heart, and I found very little (read: nothing) funny or mockable about Leah’s situation with her baby. It made me sad and I really hope everything is okay with her. It’s a departure for this program to showcase an actual issue like this, and it shows that Leah cares about her child sincerely, visibly, actively, and that puts her already lightyears ahead of some other girls on this show. I’m also glad that it was able to bring her and Corey back together. Corey said they should drop all the “stupid drama crap” (in subtitles, of course. Isn’t that so adorable that he needs subtitles?) Ok, fine and I’m glad that she got enough air-time to showcase her dreadfully tacky manicure that was so bright I think I went temporarily blind. Jeez, those nails. Those fucking nails. Ok, see? I’m the worst, I couldn’t do it. Small jab, tiny jab, that’s it for her. That’s it. 

Let’s talk about Chelsea for a moment. A moment is all I’ll give her because I even tweeted earlier today how annoying I find people in on again/off again relationships. Why the fuck are you taking this dude back? Please let me translate Adam-speak for you. “maybe somethings changed” (thing changed=Chelsea cast in Teen Mom 2) “I’ve started missing you” (you=cameras) “People make mistakes” (mistakes=the baby) Also sweet Adam can’t do the simplest of math considering he thinks 7 months is “just about a year”. Also, I still swear that Megan is crushing on Chelsea, hard. And might I just say, that as urgently as Jenelle needs her child taken away, Chelsea needs the tanning bed taken away. She also always has broken nails, which bugs me. Another thing that bugs me is the fact that her daughter is so adorable but is doomed to grow up with a stripper name. Aubree Sky? REAALLLYYY? =/

Ok now onto my two favorites of the episode. Let me start with Jenelle. So I’m going to skip right past the obvious (Yes. Yes she was having a conversation on a living room couch on the yard of her friend Amber’s crack-den) and go straight to her conversation with the lawyer lady. I can’t believe she admitted to smoking marijuana “not even that often”. Sure, you should trust a lawyer that you are going to pay to defend you, but do you truthfully think Jeffrey Dahmer confessed to killing “just a few” young men? Gosh, I can’t. I can’t with this one. Jenelle explains that she would be clean and she would stop if she had custody of him, probably forgetting that just a short time ago she did in fact have custody of him, when he popped out of her vagina. Moving on. I think Jenelle realized she was royally fucked unless she bit the bullet and called up crazy mama pants and begged to come home (do you think she made the phone call from the seedy parking lot just for dramatic effect? maw, i’m sicka the jrawma, i wanna come howme! i wanna see ma sun”) You think maybe things will be different but I’d like to point out that once she walked in Jace appeared to be as excited to see her as he would be excited to see…oh…a wall, or something. She hadn’t been home in TWO WEEKS! That’s a lifetime for a child and an even longer lifetime for a loyal mom. I’m convinced he just thinks she’s the drunk neighbor or the unstable cousin that pops in when nothin else in town is really poppin off. The second it was time for Jace to go to bed, Barbara just grabs him and does it. How about telling Jenelle to put her son to bed, if you want her to prove herself? I think she can attempt that without risking the childs life (but could she?). You know, I’m on the fence when it comes to Barbz. This woman is clearly a control freak. The lesser of two evils, sure, but when both evils are just fucking evil, who wins?! I mean the woman is clearly trying to get her second chance at raising a child, most likely to make up for what a shit job she did the first time around. (No, honestly, do you think Jenelle’s eyebrows are just naturally that shape? ugh I just can’t figure it out)

Ok, I’m gonna talk about Kailyn and then I’m going to bed. Honestly, I need to edit myself because there is just so much that I want to say. I want to say that she’s an idiot. I want to say that her new poor-man’s Tim Tebow boyfriend who I’m going to call Chin-strap Charlie is a fucking assclown for referring to dating a teenage girl with a baby as getting “two for the price of one” (errmmm…not QUITE exactly.) I want to talk about how I used to really like Jo’s mom, but now I think it’s evident that Jo didn’t learn how to be a douchebag on his own. Where to begin. Ok well, it was foreshadowing in the beginning of the episode when Kailyn was dipping ugly baby Isaac in the algae pool when Jo said “I don’t hate you yet, I just dislike you” for he will soon hate her by the end of the episode. This much we knew. Then Kailyn went on her first of TWO dates in one episode (get it girl) where she had Chin-strap Charlie pick her up on the corner like she’s actually escaping from her home, Cobblestone Castle, running fast from the basement dungeon where she is banished to spend her life as a single lonely mother. The second time around she takes a much more ballsy approach (gotta give it to you, K) and actually has Jo drive her AND baby Isaac to hang with Chin-strap on a picnic bench. I don’t really know what was going on there. I don’t really know what was going on at all. He just sat there smirking, trying to not stare directly into the cameras. As if Jo’s family is so freakin sick of Kail that they’ve hired this man to court her at picnic benches until she admits to going steady with him, then she’s out! Kailyn describes her new crush in only the most endearing terms to her friend. “He’s kinda tall, he’s kinda goofy looking, he’s kinda dumb, though” (huh? where does the THOUGH fit in? tall and goofy looking aren’t exactly compliments) and her friend encourages her to go for it, “You’re already in the basement” she says, “what could be worse?” she implies…If only she knew. Then K took the night off to hang out in her friends basement and have weird wholesome fun, discuss her current dilemma and get their advice. And boy did they offer some solid advice. “You can always go on facebook and change your relationship status”…umm, you COULD…just like you COULD carve “Chin-straps Girl 4EVA” into your arm, but I WOULDNT?!?!? What the hell please dont do that please dont do it dont oh wait you did oh there you just did it. Just like that. Took the phone and did it. Well, we didn’t think that one through too well, did we? I think they’re gonna kick you out Kailyn, I think they just might do it. Which, just for the record, sort of pisses me off. Sure I can see their point of view, but something tells me that if Jo came home with a chick and introduced her to the baby and dated her, the parents would slap him on the wrist and keep moving. She’s not supposed to date because it’s not what’s best for the baby, but apparently having a homeless mom is, because that’s what she’s about to be. 

Ok so the lessons that Kailyn should have learned tonight that I think we all can learn from: 

1. Don’t do that whole facebook status change SURPRISE I’m dating someone thing. Just don’t.

2. Fat girls shouldn’t attempt handstands. I’m sorry. Don’t get mad at me! It’s gravity.

Yeah, so, all in all, not bad. We’ve all learned something from this. Until next week.

Live bloggin from NYC <3 j / k