Holy shit ya’ll. 

Alright, well, it’s here. At 9:57 I plopped on the couch, poured myself an almost accidentally large glass of wine, had a bowl of birth control and I was ready to go. And you guys. GUYS! It was awesome. Teen Mom! You are nothing if not consistent. I mean, it was sort of difficult to get into the swing of things with MTV squeezing about 40 minutes of commercials into the hour of allotted programming but still, I managed somehow, and here’s my re-cap, hope you’ve got an hour to spare:

So we open with Leeeeuh and Corey meeting at a picnic bench, exchanging shockingly bad redneck english back and forth. Corey, while heartbroken, was quietly admiring Leeeeuh’s beautifully eyelinered eyes, white eyeshadow, and matching earring necklace combo thing. Leeeuh talked about how much stuff life had throwen them that year. Afterwards, Leeeeuh went back to her trailer where her and her friend bonded over their funny face piercings. 

Next up to bat is Kailyn. Hai gurl, missed ya~! We are so luckily reintroduced to Kailyn’s mother, the vagrant Kate Gosselin. Vagrant kate Gosselin’s favorite hobby is fucking her boyfriend and ignoring her daughter. Kail and Jo haven’t been getting along, because Jo has the audacity to control where she goes and what she does, “especially because” he has the car and is the one who drives her….WELL DUH? Of course he controls that, then. Duh. Fucking duh. Seriously when she and Jo sit on the couch with baby Isaac it almost looks like they were dared to steal a baby from a shopping cart and now they’re just sitting there like well…the fuck do we do now?! It’s just really strange, really strange I tell you. I honestly hate Jo. He is a fucking misogynistic waste of space and I still have trouble believing he had enough if any viable sperm to produce another human being. 

Time for Chelsea now. Her dad, the Dentist Buddha, as I call him, is going to pay for her and her friend to move into a place together. Then the baby’s butt explodes and gets mustard colored diarrhea all over the god damn place as if anyone needed to fucking see that. It was like she held the baby by the hands and dipped it into a pool of poop. Babies are amazing. Anyway, I’d really like to think that Chelsea and her new roommate are dating. It’d give Teen Mom a kewl new dynamic. Teen Lesbo Moms!! I love lesbians. Anywaydoe, she seems like the new Farrah. Desperately on the hunt for a new boyfriend to validate her existence, gets frustrated when she can’t find a dude to date, sort of forgets that high school dudes don’t want to date a mom yet, etc. It was just a lingering moment when her future roomie looked deep into her eyes and said “I want this”…I’m sorry, I just felt somethin there…There’s something there…we shall see.

And then…………………there was Jenelle. Oh god oh dear god. Her mom “thinks she should always be at home with Jace”, because her mom is clearly some sort of IDIOT. Why the fuck would she expect that? Is that what moms do, or something? stay home with their babies? Wait…you mean like, all the time? Uhh bo-ring! Anyway, baby daddy Andrew is off modeling in China, which is definitely code for selling drugs, or in jail, or something. Anyway, wherever he is, there are no banks or post offices, and thus, no child support checks. So as expected, Jenelle and her mom with the really grating voice that is of an origin I cannot for the life of me figure out, argue and argue. Jenelle justifies her partying ways, by confessing that she always puts Jace to bed before she goes out. Which makes it okay ya’ll. Did you catch that she also left him unattended in the bath tub? That was a fun moment. So ya Jenelly pie goes out to a bar where underage drinking is seemingly allowed, rides a bull, probably rolls on E and fucks some dude in the bathroom, and goes to sleep at around 7am. In the morning she sleeps with her mouth wide open and looks as though she’s dead, and what good is a dead mommy? so Jace is taken to day-care of course. Mommy’s too tired to even open her eyes and say goodbye to her baby, and everyone goes about their day as normal. 

Back to Leeeuh for a moment. It’s time for her high school graduation! Hoooray! Amazing, isn’t it, that she can manage to graduate high school with twins, yet Amber is still working on that jee ee dee? I digress. So the twins are dressed up like they’re about to audition for a real life version of Strawberry Shortcake, (those outfits! what the shit!) and off they went to the graduation. Shockingly, her ex boyfriend didn’t attend, and this greatly saddened Leeeuh. Well, what the hell do you expect, woman! I didn’t even go to my sisters, and I like her perfectly fine. Those things are boring as shit. 

Ok so now we’re back with Jenelle, our favorite, and being the good mother she is, she puts Jace in pajamas that are about 4 months premature for him. My best friend is a mother of a young baby and assured me that an infant can suffocate if they wear clothes that are too big, so that might be why Jenelle’s mom made such a stink about this. Then Jenelle checked her myspace, or something, the internet went out, she flipped a fucking lid, stole a loaf of bread or a wifi router from the closet (couldn’t figure it out), and a weird violent awkward fight ensues between Jenelle and her mom that results in a push, very reminiscent of something Amber would do to Gary.

Back to Chelsea. Here is my problem with her, she has a questionable amount of blonde highlights that just sit at the top of her head. It’s weird. I don’t like it. So she leaves her baby with her roommate and goes on this really awkward, almost painful to watch day date. Man oh man did that kid just want to get the fuck out of there. He kept checking the score of the game, but so fucking what? If there is a tv on in a restaurant, I can’t help but look at it. If I walked into a place and the Gators were playing, the dude better watch the game with me or leave me the hell alone.

Later on, Highlights Mcghee had a talk with the Dentist Buddha about how much she misses her fucking douchebag of an ex boyfriend and cried all of her clearly non-waterproof mascara right off. 

Ok is it just me or does Jenelle look like a mix between Jenna Malone and a cracked out Kristen Stewart? Like Jenna Malone and Kristen Stewart after 5 years of meth abuse had an ugly lesbian love child with REALLY STUPID EYEBROWS. Anyway she’s chillin in the car probably around 2pm on a Tuesday with her dirtbag friends and she gets served by some dude. (“did you just get served?”) Alright, RULE #1 people. If an unsuspecting stranger approaches you in any setting whatsoever and asks if you are so-and-so, never reply in the affirmative. Pineapple Express taught me this. Just say no! Jenelle didn’t say no. So she got served. She then flew into a fit of rage, ran up to her mom, threatening to kill her or “fucking punch her in the face”, which is a truly effective way to gain custody, especially with the presence of all of the cameras around. (learn from Amber, learn from Amber, learn from Amber). Seriously, MTV must have been pissing themselves in glee when that shit went down. Jenelle’s defense gets stronger and stronger, as she cries “I make sure I see that child every day!” which leads me to believe that that’s all she thinks a mother needs to do. Anyway, that scene was, as a human, pretty uncomfortable to watch. They both seem batshit crazy if you ask me. Jenelle then walks away with her papers all rolled up near her mouth, probably off to try and smoke it, or something. 

The last scene was back to Leeeuh. See, Leeuh still thinks that anniversaries apply even when you’re no longer dating. She made Corey a lovely fried chicken one year anniversary meal. She did her hair extra crispy curly for the occasion. Doesn’t her hair remind you of those onion thingy’s you put on a green bean casserole? Anyway, I mean, this was sort of creepy. This is not your anniversary. You are not together. But against my better advice, she went ahead with the meal. She took out her cornbread cake and he started crying. Good for her though, because if I invited my ex-boyfriend over to my house for our “one year anniversary”and had a cake ready for him I think I would be slapped with a restraining order faster than you can say “i don’t want no corn braid”.

Anyway, that’s all. This season looks promising, and I’ve already created a drinking game to go along with this show perfectly. Any time you see a baby in a bath tub, have a shot!

Live bloggin from Chicago xox J