Sweet little Kailyn. I want to like you. I want to sympathize with you for your awkward, silent father that you had to find on Facebook. I want to punch your mother, who needs a serious lesson in prioritizing. I want to Jason Vorhees your boyfriend Jo, who’s name is actually Jonathan and not Joseph, like you would expect. I want to turn him into a Sims and give him Guinea Pig Disease (google). I hope the cables snap in the next elevator that lazy piece of shit rides in, but I digress. (No, but really, he looks like Quagmire. See below)

It’s hard to hate a teenage girl based on how naiive she is. That wouldn’t be very fair. If that were an acceptable reason to hate someone, then the entire world would send every teenage girl to an island of their own. But wait…life isn’t fair (if it was I would have won that Tory Burch wallet on eBay last week), and everyone does hate teenage girls (except R Kelly, I see you) so ok, I suddenly feel justified in hating her. Sorry Kail, you lose!

Her mother sucks, her father sort of sucks but in a way where it’s like you kind of wonder if maybe the conditions were different he might not suck as much? Like maybe he’s got a personality hiding behind his Budweiser drinking couch potato dimly lit living room life, but he just didn’t feel comfortable enough to open up to his random house guest (daughter) and entire television crew to let his bubbly personality shine through. That’s just what I’m going to think, I’m gonna roll with that.

Her boyfriend couldn’t express in any other way how little of a fuck he gives about her. His biggest regret in life is being born to such accepting and hospitable parents, who would have been so morally impugned to leave this abandonded pregnant girl out on her own so they invited her to live with them. That is just so awful ahaha I can’t even believe it. And I thought that I was unlucky! I am SORRY but the last thing a teenage boy wants is for his girlfriend that he is literally less than luke-warm for to MOVE IN to his house and have his parents whine to him about how he needs to pay more attention to her. I almost want to sympathize with him. God, that really is the pits.

Anyway I heard a juicy rumor that the two of them break up, she is banished to the basement, and then soon kicked out of the house when she decides to go on a date with another dude. I am seriously on my knees with my hands together praying that this fucking happens and every bit of it plays out on camera. It’s like a fairy-tale written by a crack addict and I cannot. get. enough.

Kailyn’s potential: I might be getting really generous but she gets a B+ from me on the sliding scale of wow-I-really-would-never-want-to-fucking-be-you. At least some of the other girls have cool parents, or at the very least the baby daddy’s are mildly, somewhat attractive. But she is up shits creek with toothpicks for paddles and the only saving grace is that MTV writes her a check for $5,000 every episode. Hang in there, sweet angel!

-J